


Idk if I'm actually going to to do this.

by DUNSHINE



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:10:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9187961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DUNSHINE/pseuds/DUNSHINE
Summary: Basicallyyyyyyy John Laurens won't get off his lazy ass and find somewhere to stay after his ex girlfriend kicked him out– so he's just been chilling with our man Alexander Hamilton. Little did they know they were actually going to start liking each other as Laurens stayed with Alex. Sadly, after the disgusting event that happened to Alex on night out drinking with the boys, Alex tries fixing his problem and helping himself without telling anyone what happened (our boy is selfish and thinks he'll do a better job than his friends at helping him get over this.... but he's also kind of embarrassed). Because of this though, Alex slowly starts moving away from his friends in the fear of what happened to him happening again. Laurens tries to figure out wtf is going on with this guy he wants to date but this just causes arguments and frustration due to Alex not wanting help/to tell anyone about what happened. But I'm pretty sure they work things out and (if I actually write his) in the end things are going to be good.





	1. Chapter 1

“Come back to bed”, a scratchy voice mumbled from over the comforter. “It’s too early for you to be at your desk, dear.” Alexander put down his pen and rose from his chair. He looked over at the exhausted John Laurens and smiled. “You're right. I'm sorry for waking you.” 

Alexander returned to bed and Laurens wrapped his arms around Alex like he had done many times before— but this time Alex felt that it was.. right.  
________________________________________

 

“You promised you'd go out with us tonight!” Laurens paced his and Alex’s small kitchen wondering how he was going to explain to his friends he wouldn't be able to make it out for drinks, yet again, another week.

“I know I know. I'm sorry, I just have so much work to finish. Please go without me.” Alexander fumbled around in his bag looking for letters he needed to respond to. “I'm sure you can find fun without me by your side?”

Instantly, John grabbed Alexander's hand and spun him. Alex dropped the letters he’d acquired from his bag and tried catching them as they fell to the ground.

“We can go dancing, my love.” John stopped the spinning, now looking into Alexander's eyes, “We can do whatever you want.. I just have to have a good time with you tonight.” Alex sighed in defeat and moved his glasses to the top of his head. Laurens smiled before placing a soft kiss to his “boyfriends” cheek. 

 

See, Alex and John weren't anything official even though they acted like it. They had been friends for ages and after a bad break up John crashed at Alexanders and never really left. Sexuality was never a topic of interest between the two but Alex knew that John was bisexual. He could tell by the way he toyed with women during the day but as soon as he got a drop of alcohol in his system he was only for the guys. The guys being Hercules, Lafayette, and himself. Alexander didn't really know what he was but he did know he always felt differently towards John after he’d been drinking and he’d never felt this way towards another guy before. Of course he brushed it off as being a lonely drunk but sooner or later the feelings followed him into his sober states- especially after John moved in with him. He wasn't going to change his schedule just because he had a new roommate, so every day Alexander woke at six to sit at his desk and work until he was content. Some mornings he would run into a girl sneaking out of Johns temporary bedroom or he would find John passed out shirtless on the couch. For some reason he really liked taking his shirt off when he drank. Alexander didn't know how he felt in either of these situations. Sure he was upset there was some strange woman in his house during the night with a drunk irresponsible man but was that really the only reason he felt upset? The past couple of weeks seemed calm and John wasn't going out as much. He would be home before midnight, without the company of a new woman, and be awake shortly after Alexander. He would offer to make the two breakfast or get Alexander a coffee to help him wake up and start working faster. As the weeks progressed John got more touchy towards Alexander. It started when Alex had been working later than he usually did and had not eaten all day. John walked into his office and placed a soft hand among Alexanders shoulder. To his surprise Alexander didn't respond but instead kept writing. John then rubbed his hand down his friends back, continuing to wrap his arms around his upper torso, and quietly whispered, “Stop working. You're starving for work whilst starving yourself. Come eat.” Alexander felt his chest grow heavy at these actions and felt something else growing. He put his pen down and tried wiggling away from John but failed to get loose from his muscular arms. “I'll be there in a minute. Let me put all of this away..” he gasped and tried not to look back at John. That night Alex ate with John who also persuaded him to watch a movie or two and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine. Alexander enjoyed spending off time with John but he knew it was probably just John missing his party lifestyle and needing a drink. Somewhere along the following days shoulder pats turned to hugs, high fives turned to hand holds, and Alexanders bed turned to Johns. Even though Alexander still addressed John as Laurens, he was simply Alex to John. Now here we are. John hasn't gone out drinking in almost a month and he's been kissing Alexander feet since. They called each other names like Love and Dear but nothing more- no labels. Hercules and Lafayette didn't know about this and the two of them liked it that way. Since they weren't officially dating or anything they didn't feel the need to tell their friends about their occasional randevús.

 

“Hey? You getting ready?” John snapped in Alex’s direction snapping him out of his daydream.

 

“Yeah… yeah! Almost done.” He bent over his black jeans and tied his converses. He decided dancing was a little too fancy so they were just going to go out for a couple of drinks with the guys anyways. Alex hasn't seen his other two friends in almost a month due to him working himself so hard.

 

“I can't believe I'm getting the Alexander Hamilton out of his workplace for a drink with friends!” John joked before grabbing his jacket and locking their apartment door behind him.  
________________________________________

 

“Attendez!” Lafayette yelled across the bar, “Is that my homme, Alexander Hamilton?” Alex felt his face turn red from happiness. He had forgotten how nice his friends made him feel. 

 

“It's amazing right?” John walked around Alex and sat at the stool next to Hercules. 

 

“It's like I'm seeing a family member at a holiday party.” Hercules grumbled over his beer, “Long time buddy!” He patted Alex’s back as he sat between himself and Lafayette. 

 

As the night continued and the guys got drinker Alex found himself at a table with a group of people. He didn't remember leaving his friends at the bar but he couldn't see them anymore. There were two guys and a younger female talking about some new age crap that Alex wasn't really interested in which caused him to question why he left his friends for these people.

 

“Want another one?” The taller muscular guy to his right offered. Alex slowly nodded and took the beer from this mysterious new man. He put his arm around Alex's shoulders and brought his lips to his ear. His hot breath husked a beer scented whisper to Alex, “Let's go outside..” Before reacting to his demand, Alex was swept from the booth and tugged outside.

 

“I'm sorry but I-I don't know you.. I'm drunk and this is just.. a mistake.” Alex tried catching his breath in the cold December weather as he felt a small panic attack brewing.

 

“I promise I will never be a mistake.” The man declared before roughly smashing his lips against Alex’s. Grabbing at his shoulder length shaggy brown hair the man began moving his rough kisses downward towards Alex's neck.

 

“Please..” Alex tried not to panic, “Please just stop I don't know you.. I don't want this.” He tried pushing the muscular man away but failed.

 

“It's going to be okay, baby.” The man guided Alex to the back of the building where no one would see them and began kissing Alex again. Alex squirmed and tried desperately to break free. He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch him and kick him and run away— but he couldn't. He froze. After a few minutes the man was on his knees tugging at Alex’s belt as Alex closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall praying someone would come back there and see and make it stop. No one came.

 

After 15 minutes the man had forced Alex into doing things he did not want to do and left him there behind the bar. Alex, still wearing his shirt and boxers, pulled up his pants buckling his belt back and wiped his face of the cold tears burning his skin. He stood there for a few minutes and calmed himself down enough to go back inside the bar and look for the only people he wanted to see. He shyly walked passed the table he was pulled from and noticed the man had not returned to his friends after the incident. He walked around in circles for what seemed like forever until he spotted Lafayettes tall curly hair in a corner. Alex practically ran to him and as he got closer noticed Hercules and Laurens seated there as well. 

 

“I want to go.. please.. I've had enough.” Alex managed to spit out.

 

“Aw buddy it's still so early!” Hercules tried handing Alex another beer but the now sober Alex declined. “Sit and spend time with us.. you disappeared earl-”

 

“Please just walk me home, Laurens.” Alex sternly demanded over Hercules. 

 

Laurens and Alex got a cab and started for home. When Laurens tried grabbing Alex’s hand, Alex quickly put his hand in his pocket to avoid contact with Laurens. When at home Alex fumbled with the keys for a while and finally got inside the door. 

 

“Do you want me to make you some coffee, Love? Food?” John tried hiding the fact he was slightly more drunk than he usually got. 

 

“No..” Alex pushed passed him and went straight to their room. He heard Laurens beating around in the kitchen and then it went silent. The silence consumed Alex’s mind and he began realizing what had happened earlier that evening. His body trembled as tears fell. He covered his mouth with his hand to muffle the sound of his cries. How could he of let that happen to him. Any other time he stands for what he wants and doesn't take no for an answer but tonight.. tonight he let a man he didn't even know take advantage of him.  
________________________________________

 

Some time that night Alex cried himself to sleep and John joined him in bed. Alex woke up and insisted on writing about the events that happened. He needed to free his mind of what happened before he told anyone else. He slowly crept out of bed and scooted to the little table he had in his corner for when he woke at night and needed to jot down ideas or thoughts. Soon enough he heard shifting in his bed and stopped writing.

 

“Come back to bed”, a scratchy voice mumbled from over the comforter. “It’s too early for you to be at your desk, dear.” Alexander put down his pen and rose from his chair. He looked over at the exhausted John Laurens and lightly smiled. “You're right.. I am sorry for waking you.” 

Alexander returned to bed and Laurens wrapped his arms around Alex like he had done many times before— but this time Alex felt that it was right. He felt.. safe.


	2. Idk if I want to ***continue this tbh

“Hey! What are you doing?!” A worried voice shouted, “Stop that! Quit it!” Alex didn't know where it was coming from. He didn't even recognize the voice. Where was he? 

“Who's saying that!” He scrambled around the clustered room trying to move all of the clothes and papers. 

“I promise I will never be a mistake.” a familiar voice shouted. 

“ALEXANDER!” John shook Alex viciously waking him out of his nightmare, “What were you dreaming of?!”

Alex looked around in shock that it was all a dream. “I-I'm not sure… I didn't know what was going on.” He lied. He knows he recognized the voice he heard before being woken up. “I need to write.” He got up and walked over to his table and sat.

“You've been working so much, Alex. You never spend time with us.. with me.” John sat on the side of their bed and messed with the thread coming off the comforter. He didn't like this. Alexander has been acting weird but won't explain himself.

“It's almost a new year. I must finish all of my work. Nothing can carry over. I'm sorry.” Sure he was working but Alex knew what he was doing. He was obsessing. Obsessing over the way the tall mysterious man looked. Obsessing over the way his voice bounced around Alexanders body. Obsessing over his touch. He knew he needed to tell someone and free himself of this paranoia- but he couldn't.

“Love..” John rose from the bed and walked behind Alex placing his arms across Alex's chest. “Please tell me what is wrong.” He tried sneaking a peak at what Alex was working so hard on but Alex felt his wandering eyes and shoved his journal under a book. 

“Nothing is wrong, Laurens.” 

This went on for weeks. Alexander cut himself off more and more from the people around him because he didn't want to admit what had happened wasn't his fault. He didn't know why he felt so guilty about what happened. He didn't push himself onto that man. He didn't force that man to do things he didn't want to do. He was scared and didn't know what to do or who to talk to. He was embarrassed because he presented himself as a strong immigrant that stood for what he wanted- no more no less. But here he was, just a fragile human without answers. John tried really hard the first couple of weeks to get under Alex’s skin and find out what was going on but he failed each time. He eventually gave up and decided that Alex would tell him sooner or later.  
________________________________________

“Let's get you to bed.” John wrapped Alex's arm around his shoulder and lifted his tired body from the couch walking him to his bedroom. After getting Alex in bed, John invited Hercules and Lafayette over. 

“You guys have to keep it down, Alexander is sleeping.” John instructed 

“He's always slee-” Hercules tried adding

“And we’re going to let him continue.” John cut him off not allowing them to talk bad about Alex since they hadn't seen him in a while but John himself sees him everyday and sees him getting worse. “I don't know what's going on and he won't tell me. He's either awake for days or practically asleep for days..” John whispered over the rim of his glass. He'd picked up drinking again but nothing too serious. He had three or four glasses of wine before bed so he’d sleep through the night if Alexander woke and left bed to write.

“We barely see the homme ourselves. I don't know why he waits until the end of the year to do all of his work..” Lafayette tried matching Johns whisper.

“It's not that. I know it's not that. Alexander can't have this much work. There's something else going on.” John and Lafayette shushed Hercules whose voice couldn't quite get as low as theirs.

“Maybe we all three need to sit down and talk to him.” Lafayette poured himself another glass of wine as john nodded and cut the tv on. Before long they'd watched a movie and half of a tv series on Netflix and it was getting late. 

“I need to get going guys.. thanks for inviting me over, Laurens.” Hercules grumbled, now more tired than drunk. 

“Oui! Me too.” Lafayette giggled almost spilling his last sip of wine on the table as he drunkingly tried putting it down. As they walked towards the door Alexander exited his bedroom rubbing his eyes. 

“Guys.” John looked at them and then back at Alexander. Deep down John knew right now probably wasn't the best time to talk to Alex since they had all three been drinking. But it has been kind of rare to get the four of them together in the same room.

“My homme!” Lafayette yelled. His French accent got thicker when he drank.

“What… what are you guys doing here?” Alex rubbed his eyes and sat next to John and the other two sat back in their previous seats.

“Look we need to talk.. okay?” Hercules looked between John and Alexander. 

“Guys, I'm fine!” Alexander darted up now wide awake. “I can't believe you'd do this to me.” Alex looked at John and stomped back to his room locking the door. 

Alex locked himself in his bedroom for 6 days- only leaving to get food. He didn't allow John to sleep with him so John slept in the second bedroom. He'd hear Alex leave the room at night to get food and have to resist the urge to run out to him. He missed Alex. He missed his touch. His voice. His smile. John tried multiple times to apologize to Alex through his bedroom door and text messages but Alex ignored everything. After those 6 days Alex started venturing out more and would be in the living area watching tv sometimes. John would ask if he could get Alex anything, Alex wouldn't respond. John would sit there eating and watching tv with Alex but Alex wouldn't even look at him.  
________________________________________

One day Alex left his door open. John crept towards it and heard Alex sniffing. He felt his heart drop and quietly entered the room and placed himself in the bed facing Alex's puffy eyes and runny nose. They didn't say a single word for what felt like hours. John laid there running his fingers through Alex's messy hair as Alex closed his eyes and silently cried. Once Alex was about done crying he moved closer to John and laid against his chest as John continued to stroke Alex's hair. 

“I'm ready to tell you…” Alex whispered trying to sniff up the snot running down his face.

“Tell me what, Dear?” John whispered back as he moved his hand to Alex's back and started rubbing in circular motions.

“What's wrong with me, John.” John was shaken by the name choice of Alex. “That night at the bar.. when I left you guys…” Alex grabbed a fistful of Johns shirt. “There was a guy.. that gave me alcohol and took me outside.”

“Calm down, Baby.” He felt Alex's heartbeat speed up tremendously compared to what it previously was.

“He…. he made me do things.. I didn't want to do, John.” Alex's grip on Johns shirt tightened as he held back tears. John felt his heart shatter. “I couldn't stop him. I-I just froze there and couldn't scream or push him off of me. I tried. I tried so-” John cut Alex off with a kiss as he too was crying now.

“Why haven't you told me sooner, Dear? This happened almost a month ago. We could of found this guy. We could of contacted the police..” John cupped Alex's face in his hands. “I will find him and I will make sure he pays for this. Nobody is going to take advantage of you like this.” Though he was serious and very stern toned, Johns eyes continued to produce tears.


	3. I'm trying to write this different so it's more of a story and not a script ??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short :(

Alex insisted John didn't do anything stupid if he went to the police and reported it. John agreed and went with Alex. Once back home Alex laid in bed reading and John started the wine. “Why wine? What's going on?” Alex asked laying the book on his chest. “A special occasion, Dear.” John chugged his glass and eagerly poured another and handed it to Alex. “How much have you already had?” Alex asked taking the glass from John and sitting it on the nightstand. “Not a lot, baby.. why?” John began drinking out of the bottle since Alex didn't drink his glass. “Just wondering.” Alex picked his book back up and continued reading. John sat there straddling him for a bit on his phone and drinking wine. After John was almost done with the whole bottle and Alex's glass, he put his phone away and put the bottle on the floor. He bent over and lifted Alex's shirt up slightly and began kissing his stomach. “What are you doing?” Alex asked with a slight chuckle still reading his book. “Don't mind me..” John kissed up to Alex's chest and back down to the waistband of his sweatpants. “John..” Alex put the book down. “Please… I've missed you.” Johns hot breath whispered on Alex's hip caused goosebumps to form. “Okay.” Alex whispered back as John slowly slid his sweatpants off of him and kissed around the waistband of his underwear. Alex knew he was teasing him and didn't like it at all. He began moving his hips in circles trying to draw John into what he wanted. John smiled devilishly up at Alexander and continued teasing him by tracing his inner thighs with his tongue. Alex let out a quiet whimper and bit down on his lip before anything else escaped. John moved back up to Alex's chest and began sloppily sucking on his neck as his thumbs slid down to the waistband of Alex's underwear. Before Alex knew it his underwear was thrown across the room and john was pushing himself against him. Alex gripped Johns hair begging he do something about this. But John took his time and slowly made his way back down. He began kissing Alex's friend before putting the whole thing in his mouth. He felt it pushing against the back of his throat but he enjoyed this so much. Alex grabbed the sheets and kept from saying anything. He knew John liked hearing him beg for him but he wasn't going to let him get it easily. As John moved up and down he pulled a, “Fuck! Yes John please!” from Alex which only excited him more. John got up and kissed Alex as they tried catching their breath. After a few seconds John had flipped Alex and had him straddling his stomach. “Losing so much time was a mistake.” John growled at Alex. Almost instantly Alex's mind shot back to the man at the bar for some reason. He quickly got up and went to the bathroom. “Wait- Alex!” John tried following but Alex slammed the door in his face. John sighed and slid down the door, “I'm sorry Alex.. I didn't mean to say anything wrong..” he heard water cut on for a while and then back off. He almost fell through the door when Alex opened it not knowing he was sitting there. “It's fine, Laurens.” Alex walked over to his dresser and got a shirt and his boxers off the floor and went to the living room leaving John laying on the floor.  
________________________________________

Later that night Alex had the idea of making dinner and inviting Hercules and Lafayette over. He hadn't seen his friends in a while and figured if he was going to start fresh he would need to apologize to them for the way he's been acting. “Are you going to tell them what happened..?” John asked Alex as he placed plates around the table. “I'm not sure yet. Probably nothing in too much detail.” John smiled to himself knowing Alex trusted him more than the guys. “Oh, hey hold on-” John stopped Alex from going to the kitchen, “you've got something on your..” he trailed off when he realized what he was trying to brush off of Alex's neck wasn't something that could go away easily. “What was it?” Alex asked confused at Johns suddenly surprised expression. “Shit.. Alex I'm so so sorry..” John pulled Alex to the bathroom and cut the light on. To Alex's surprise there was a cluster of hickeys beginning to form on his neck. “John Laurens!” Alex yelled at John and turned around to face him in their small bathroom. “I didn't expect us to be going out anytime soon! I got caught up in the moment!” Alex began looking worried, “The guys don't know… what do we tell them?” John thought for a moment and decided, “Let's just tell them about us..” Alex turned pale and left the bathroom with John following behind him. He wasn't embarrassed of his encounters with John but like he's already established, him and John haven't put labels on anything. There's been no fancy date or questions asked along the lines of ‘Will you be my boyfriend?’, they've just been messing around. What could John possible want to tell their friends? ‘So guys, Alex and I have been sleeping together since I've been staying with him.’ What would the guys think? They've all been friends for a while and sure they were okay with John “experimenting” with other guys but they've never openly said if they were for or against homosexuals.. is that what Alex even is? He's only been into John. “Earth to Alex?” John snapped in Alex's direction, “What do you think?” Alex messed with the him of his shirt before looking up at John. He’d never seen John look at anyone like he was looking at him. His eyes were soft and seemed kind of needy. “I say.. let's not say anything unless they ask. Okay?” Alex wanted to make them both happy. “Um.. sure that's fine.” John walked back to the kitchen and grabbed more things for the table. Before they knew it there was a hard knock on the door and they knew it was Hercules and he was probably with Lafayette. John was the one to answer the door and found Hercules holding a 12 pack of beer and Lafayette holding a bottle of win. “Well hello boys. I like the look of those gifts. Dinners almost ready- come on in.” John acted like a sophisticated host and led the two to the table. “Hey guys!” Alex walked over quickly and hugged them. Lafayette and Hercules looked at each other in shock at how differently Alex was acting compared to the last time they were over. “Êtes-vous ok ou vous êtes devenu fou, mon ami (Are you ok or you've gone crazy, my friend)?” Lafayette asked. “English please!” John hated when Lafayette spoke full French. Not because he hated French or anything but because Lafayette knew the only other person that knew French was Alex and John didn't like being left out. “Sorry sorry” Lafayette threw his hands up. “I'm getting better..” Alex answered Lafayettes question and smiled at him softly. “Let's eat!” Alex went back to the kitchen and got the lasagna he had made and placed it on the table. They all sat down and ate and drank wine while catching up on things they'd missed out on. “Can I ask..” Hercules whispered to John. John wiped his mouth with his napkin and discreetly nodded. “Alex.. what happened.. like why were you sad?” Lafayette tried asking in the nicest way possible. Alex put his glass down and looked at his plate for a few seconds. He knew he'd be asked but hadn't thought of what to say yet. “When I went to the bar with you guys.. a man did things with me I didn't really like..” Alex's voice began cracking as his volume dropped. “..We’re working on it though. I'm going to find him and I'm going to help Alex get over this.. he doesn't deserve to worry about it happening again.” John interrupted and began to reach for Alex's hand but drew back. “Well I'm glad someone's here to watch out for him since we’re not around a lot.” Hercules chuckled. “It looks like someone else is there for Alex besides John” Lafayette wiggled his eyebrows at Alex and looked at his neck. Alex knew his neck would only get worse throughout the night but he hoped they wouldn't notice. “Oh man! What is that?” Hercules smiled, “my boy!” Alex shyly laughed and covered his neck. “dites-nous (Tell us)!” Lafayette shouted. “Maybe a little later…” Alex chugged his glass of wine. John was kind of upset that Alex didn't tell them. He stared at Alex and Alex looked at him with nothing but worry. “Alex and I-” John started, “no.. Laurens.” “Alex and I have been dating..” John spit out and Alex turned blood red. Hercules and Lafayette looked at each other and laughed. “We’ve known something was up.” Hercules stated before finishing his last bite of lasagna. “Wait what?!” Alex accidentally yelled before covering his mouth. “It's only been completely évident (obvious)!” Lafayette laughed and removed himself from the table and Hercules followed. “I can't believe they've known..” Alex whispered to John across the table. “I guess I've talked about you a little too much.” John smirked and leaned over kissing Alexanders cheek. “Come on, let's help clean up.” Alex grabbed Johns hand and his dish and followed to the kitchen where Lafayette and Hercules went.


End file.
